I have the unfortunate experience of having been on both sides of this equation in different relationships. Along with the experience of many close friends and family members who have also been the betrayed or the betrayer. The only POSSIBLE exception for true recovery is a one night stand or very short (as in a week or two) sex-only fling that was confessed proactively, and even that would require years and years of work from both parties. Anything longer or with emotions involved – your marriage is done.
The Betrayed
I hate to say this and dash any hopes, but know that you will NEVER get over this. Maybe the marriage continues, maybe even for life. But it is in no way what a true marriage should be.
You will forever know that during the time of the affair your spouse chose another over you. Consistently, day after day. No matter what counselors or Ted Talkers or YouTubers try to tell you, you know in your heart that if your spouse loved, valued, and respected you the way you deserved it could never have happened. No matter what problems were in the relationship. Think about it. Have you ever even been tempted to cheat on someone you truly loved? Even during an argument or rough patch? Your spouse understood what was at stake before making the decision to cheat. And you will forever know that the risk of losing you was WORTH IT for your spouse.
You will never fully trust your spouse again. Ever. Remember this is the person who lied prolifically to you many times a day simply to keep the affair alive. The longer the affair the more lies and the better practiced the liar. An affair requires an inordinate amount of premeditation, planning, and effort to execute. Every step of this way required mountains of lies. And after the affair is discovered? Forget about getting the truth then. You will get enough to seem realistic, but the rest will be withheld, spun, or blatantly lied about to convince you to stay.
If the affair was caught instead of confessed you will forever know that the cheater had no intention of ending it. It ended because it had to, not because they wanted it to. And if you keep in mind the first point, you will always know deep down that they didn’t end it because they suddenly fell back in love with you. You will know, in recesses of your mind that you wish not to access, that they ended it for all the reasons that they didn’t leave the marriage in the first place: kids, obligation, fear, religion, reputation, money, career, and so on.
You will always worry that you are being compared with the affair partner and, in truth, you are. Sadly the affair has provided fun, enjoyment, excitement, and in anything longer than a couple of months, likely love. It brought your spouse a high level of happiness and now that it has been stripped away it is impossible to not compare the spouse to the affair partner. This will now manifest in you trying to somehow compete with the affair partner by changing up your appearance, spicing up your sex life, and bending over backwards to “win” the cheater back. Deep down you know this is degrading yet you continue anyway to try to “save the marriage” that has truthfully already been dumped down the drain once the cheater made the decision to cheat. Once the love due the spouse has been transferred to another it doesn’t just magically come back, no matter what the spouse says or does.
Triggers will last the rest of your marriage. You will be reminded of the affair every time you see certain shows or movies, hear certain songs, go to certain restaurants or events, or a myriad of other triggers. Sex will never be the same. It may improve maniacally during the hysterical bonding stage (see the previous point about trying to “win” or reclaim your cheating spouse), but you will always think about the affair partner. If the sex is better you will wonder if these are techniques learned from the affair. If it is worse you will wonder if your spouse is wishing they were with the affair partner instead. Everything your spouse says or does in the heat of the moment – you will wonder if the same things were said or done with the affair partner. You will never feel fully sexually free with them again.
You will always wonder what was shared with the affair partner, and you will know deep down that you will never get the truth. Did they talk about their marriage woes? About you? Did they plan a future together? Was more shared with them than with you? Did they trust them more? Feel more connected to them? You will feel foolish and angry and out of control understanding that you will never know what was truly said and shared.
You will lose respect for yourself. You will always wonder if you should have left when you found out. You will worry that you are weak, naive, gullible, delusional, lack self-respect and any respect the cheater may have left for you, and you will worry that others think the same (sadly, they do). You will struggle to understand how you essentially rewarded someone who betrayed you in the worst and most significant way. Your self-esteem which was already crushed by the affair will now be obliterated knowing that you ultimately accepted this behavior.
You will worry that you’re setting a bad relationship model for your children. Contrary to popular belief, staying for the children is never a healthy idea. Additionally, you’ve now shown the children that betrayal at the highest level is acceptable and should be tolerated.
Your self-esteem will suffer. You will always wonder: am I not attractive enough? Sexy enough? Smart enough? Fun enough? On and on, when in reality the cheating had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the cheater. You will never again feel fully “enough” for someone who chose to discard you.
Any family and friends who are aware of the infidelity will always judge you. They will judge you for not leaving. They will judge your spouse. Their opinions will ring in your ears and odds are they will forever despise your cheating spouse. This will always linger at every gathering, event, or holiday no matter what is said or not. It will be the talk of family and friends for a long time to come, and you will be painfully aware of this.
The Betrayer
You will have to lie for the rest of your marriage in order to keep it going. You know full well that most spouses won’t stay if you’re honest about the reasons you want to stay (kids, money, reputation, etc) so now in addition to lying throughout the duration of the affair you have to lie about a non-existent or, at best, familial love for your spouse. And you can’t just say it, you have to show it. In actions and in making them feel loved. It will be miserable “faking it until you make it” especially when you will likely never make it, having already given your heart to another.
You will be far unhappier in your marriage than you were before you started the affair. Your temporary happiness has been taken and now you’ll be tracked for the rest of your life. Any freedoms you enjoyed are history. You will spend the rest of your marriage trying to show your spouse that you’re where you say you are, that you’re not talking to this person or that person, sharing emails and texts and social media, never having personal freedom again.
You will miss the affair partner in a big way. It never truly resolves, even after months and years. At first you will feel the physical pains of heartbreak once the affair is suddenly taken away, then there will always remain that dull ache. Similar to your spouse, you will forever have triggers and memories when you hear certain songs, see certain films, go to certain places. You will crave their voice and desire more than anything to contact them. What’s worse is you can’t grieve publicly lest you risk losing your marriage. So you will have to hide the pain and the grief, doing your best to repress it until you finally realize and just accept that it’s never going to go away.
The guilt and shame will never go away. You fell in love with another and pursued it at the expense of all others involved. Seeing the crushing pain in your spouse’s eyes once you’re discovered will always stay with you. You will feel forever unworthy, guilty, and appalled at the level of damage you could cause so many innocent people. You will feel disgusted when you look in the mirror and shocked that your spouse chose to stay. You may start to experience ongoing anxiety and depression.
Despite every attempt not to, you will compare your spouse to your affair partner. Personality, attractiveness, qualities, sex, connection. You will ponder what your affair partner might say or advise you about this situation or that situation. You will fantasize about your affair partner to get through sex. And you know how damaging this is because if you’re being honest you already know who you would choose if there were no other considerations (the reason for having the affair in the first place). You will try to repress this and not think about it which makes it worse. You will feel horrible for feeling this way when your spouse gave you another chance and is bending over backwards to fix the relationship. It only compounds the immense guilt and shame you’re already living with.
You will fear your spouse leaving you. You will be surprised that they stayed because knowing what you know now about affairs, you would never stay. You know that you’re undeserving. And you will worry that at some point more of the truth will come out, something that will show them the true depth of the affair or deception, and they will leave you. And then you would have lost both the affair partner and your spouse, and end up alone. Which, let’s be honest, is one of your greatest fears if you’ve ever engaged in an affair.
You will worry about the affair “getting out.” You know that there’s not too much you can do to stop a scorned spouse or affair partner, and that at any time either one of them could spill the beans and ruin your reputation. This constant fear will never fully go away. Every time you’re introduced to someone new you will wonder if they know.
Your spouse’s family and friends will forever despise you. You know that there’s no making up for what you did ever. So every interaction with them for the rest of the marriage will be slightly strained, uncomfortable, and shameful for you.
You will always know that you’re living a lie. The more time that passes, the harder it becomes to sustain. But you see no way out because of all the lies during and after the affair. This is the bed you made. But you’re miserable and forever stuck. You will always question your integrity and the decisions that you made pre, during, and post affair. You will rationalize to yourself that you’re sacrificing your happiness and integrity for your family, but you will feel like you’re slowly dying on the inside day after day.
Conclusion
In all my years and personal/family/friend experience, I’ve never seen a marriage go back to “normal” after someone cheats. It seems that the majority try to work it out, and most of those fail after about the 1–3 year mark. Those betrayed spouses all wish they had left immediately instead of degrading themselves further (as they see it) trying to make something work that was clearly long dead.
The few I’ve seen continue experienced repeat cheating many years later (in all those cases the betrayed regretted staying the first time).
And yes I do know of a few couples who are still together but none of them are happy and still consider divorcing even now (my guess is none of them will make it unfortunately).
There is only one I know that stuck it out for the kids and religious reasons that claims their marriage is stronger and better than ever before; yet at the same time the betrayed spouse confides to me to this day that the trust is gone and that there’s an underlying resentment and fury and even hate at times that will never go away. So I don’t really see that as a “stronger and better” marriage.
The divorces I’ve seen and experienced resulting from infidelity were difficult. There’s the shock of discovery and the hurt of leaving someone you truly loved. Throw in kids and finances and everything else, and it’s a huge mess. But once the initial phase of searing pain and grief have been worked through, in all cases the betrayed spouses ended up happier, healthier, and stronger than ever before. Not one of them regrets leaving, unlike several I know who regret or still question staying – even after many years.
So my opinion is that staying post a betrayal of this nature sets up both partners for a lifetime of hurt, pain, triggers, distrust, shame, embarrassment, insecurity, and questioning whether or not the marriage should have ended. It seems that divorcing, in contrast, causes a higher incidence of pain upfront, but then a much happier outcome down the road.
As mentioned, I’ve been on both sides of this equation and knowing what I’ve learned I could never cheat nor ever tolerate cheating ever again. The cheating itself says more about your relationship than any aftermath, and that’s the point at which it is finished.
